Saturday, September 23, 2006

To Whom it may Concern

To whomever at GM designed the lugnuts on the Chevy Malibu: DIE.

A couple days ago I had to take another recruiter's applicant home. Normally that's not a big deal, unless the kid happens to live on the AZ/CA/ Mexico border town of Yuma freaking Arizona. For those who haven't been there Yuma is in the middle of nowhere. It's a good hour in any direction from Yuma to any other place that's more than a gas station. As I was driving back I felt the wheel start to go soft. I pondered to myself "Self, what could be causing this sensation?" I didn't have to answer myself because the 'Bu told me exactly what the problem was when a loud THUMP THUMP THUMP noise came from behind me.

A tire had given up the ghost.

I quickly pull over and assess the damage. The tire is done. A good portion of the tread had peeled away and the cord was visible around the outer edge. Go to the trunk, find the spare, jack, and tire iron. After some work I got the plastic cap off the wheel and exposed the lug nuts.

Or so I'd thought.

The Malibu has these little plastic... thingys... shaped like lugnuts over where the lug nuts should be. Now, Mrs. SFC B's Focus had a similar thing and those came right off. The 'Bu has no such feature. These damn things were attached and not coming off. So, since they look like lug nuts I figure "eh" and use the tire iron. Nothing happens. The iron spins uselessly. At this time I look at the stretch of road behind me and realize I'm about halfway between Aztec, AZ and Dateland, AZ. If you have no idea where those two cities are then you know how I felt when I looked at the empty highway.

Phone calls are made and it's determined that these little plastic caps are actually supposed to be attached to the actual lugnuts. They're obviously not so I do what any rational person would do I such a situation. I swear and violently hit the plastic caps with a tire iron. After my tantrum is over the caps remain there laughing. Laughing at my suffering and my soon-to-be-getting-eaten-by-vultures situation. So I use the crow bar to pry the covers off. There were no longer laughing when the first of their number gave way. I was the one laughing then.

Anyways, long story short (too late) got the covers off, got the lug nuts off, go the donut on, returned to the road and got back to the office.


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