Thursday, December 29, 2005

A look at predictions past

Mrs. SFC B brought out an email I had written back in 2003. I figured I'd share it because, well, if I don't learn from my mistakes I'll be doomed to repeat them. My updates and retorts to my own stupid are in italics.

From 2003:

Since it's New Year's Eve I find myself in a prognosticating mood (I can spell prognostigating right on the first try, but I need Word to correct me on January, go figure).

Dennis Kuncinch and Al Sharpton combine their quests for the Democratic Party's nomination. The result will be called the Inane and Insane ticket.
When I say "Inane and Insane" in my mind, I hear
Cypress Hill playing.

The UN will issue another resolution call for Saddam to allow weapons inspectors or face "really really severe consequences".
I think I got that one right.

In August, when, now Secretary of WAR!!! (2 predictions in 1, how lucky [you have to yell when saying the WAR!!! part]) Rumsfeld holds a press conference to announce the capture of Osama bin Laden's severed, crushed leg the NY Times will be unable to provide on-the-spot coverage because their entire news gathering team was in Augusta, GA to cover the "Story of the Year": a bunch of lesbians protesting the Masters golf tournament.
I might still be proven right on this one.

George Stienbrenner will announce that the Yankees have spent the past 25 years creating clones of the greatest ball players ever. With his announcement the Yankees 2004 starting line-up will include Babe Ruth, Willie Mays (a young version since the real one isn't dead yet), Walter Johnson, and Honus Wagner. With these new-improved versions of baseball's greatest players the Yankees will cruise to a 130-32 record and an easy berth in the playoffs, then World Series. They will be swept by the Sheboygan Men's Slo-Pitch Softball League All-stars. This waste of a quarter century in research and development, as well as billions of dollars, will cause Stienbrenner to launch an inter-stellar starship in the hopes of finding the galaxy's greatest baseball players for the 2005 season.
I might have been wrong on this one. But when Brian Cashman announces the signing of Xerkplit Fligglyspat, the second baseglip of the Reulon-12 Hannananaas, remember I called first.

The Bush-Dean debate will be cut short after, in an effort to prove how tough he is, Howard Dean attempts to physically attack Bush. "Secret Service Ass-Whooping.mpg" becomes the most Googled phrase the next day; however it goes to number 2 the day after when "Paris Hilton-Britney Spears.mpg" resumes top honors.
Remember when Howard Dean had a hope of winning a national election? It really was that long ago. "Paris Hilton-Britney Spears.mpg" makes me laugh out loud.

[My sister's name] will finish her final semester by deciding to do "something that helps the world... like join Greenpeace". An intervention is planned by the rest of the family.
My super-awesomely smart sister is currently in NYC helping British people get laid. Mrs. SFC B said I shouldn't describe it like that because it sounds dirty, but I'm not going to change it. I'm assuming my readers (Hi mom!) will know that she's actually doing something very fine and upstanding.

A court will order Michael Jackson to either stop "being a complete and total whack-job" or go to jail. When attempting to enter his plea Jackson's ear will fall off. The judge will order the bailiff to "smack him out of principle" and then confine him to the Prison for the Terminally Creepy.
Who do I need to mail a donation to to start the Prison for the Terminally Creepy?

Vladimir Putin will declare himself Ruler of All Russians, and have J.K. Rowling kidnapped, tortured, and executed for the whole "Dobby looks like Putin" thing. The International Criminal Court will then issue its most stern punishment by making Putin write a sincere apology to Rowling's family after he learns that the director of the movie was a bit more responsible for making Dobby look like him.
I'm going to claim a 66% success rate on this one. I think Putin has declared himself Ruler of all Russians, and if the ICC ever actually did anything it would require someone to write an apology. To my knowledge JKR hasn't been executed, but if Book 7 isn't out in about a year someone might want to see if there's freshly turned Earth in the Kremlin's back yard... just sayin'.

France will whine about something George W. Bush does.
I threw that one out there as a gimmie. Making a prediction France will whine about something is like the newspaper horoscopes saying "You will meet someone today." So general it will apply to anyone.

Michael Moore will eat a cheesburger and become so massive that he collapses upon himself forming a black hole. Fortunately this will happen during a book signing at the Barnes and Noble near Berkeley. The combination of the super-massive black hole, and the substance-less rantings of Berkeley will cancel each other out.
I'm not sure this didn't happen. The creation of the black hole and it's immediate plugging by the rantings could have happened faster than the human eye could record. If it did I believe that the only recordable event from the collision would be a tectonic shift. Were there any earthquakes felt in CA this year? If so, has Michael Moore's presence been accounted for during each one? Hummmmmm...

Israel will be condemned by the UN for assassinating a terrorist leader in retaliation for the bombing of a bus filled with children taking puppies to entertain a nursing home. The day the resolution if passed China will execute a dozen college students for accessing USA Today from a web cafe.
I fear that one might be a bit too close to truth to be funny.

Anyway... that is what I was thinking back in the back end of 2003. With 2006 looming over like one big misdated check I might revisit the predictions game. It's a cheap way to make a blog entry. Yay easy!


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